Iraq

Well Jason went back to North Carolina yesterday to finish up some training before going to where he'll be stationed. We went to Mom's house to have supper with him and Mom before he left again. It's sad. It's going to be so hard on me if he goes to Iraq, which he predicts he will by October or November. I'm not particularly close with my brother but I don't want him going to Iraq. I don't believe in this war in the first place and I know he only joined the military to better his life. He didn't do it because he believes in the fight either. He told Mom that she shouldn't worry about him being in Iraq because you don't hear about the millions who come home only the ones that don't. It's still too scary for me to think about. I was in tears on the way home. I won't be able to watch the news or hear any talk of the war. Because of his position he most likely won't see combat but still, it's not the place I'd want him to be.

Seeing him do this has really inspired me to better my life. It's time for me to start doing something great. I need to be making money and saving for a better life. I wish I knew where I wanted to end up and then I wouldn't have anything holding me back. I would love to write and need to put my time into my book so I can see where that can lead me. That would be something to be proud of that no one could outshine or make me feel unimportant for. It's worth the effort and it's a lot of fun. In the meantime I need to go back to school and have a backup career. I need to get a job and decorate my house. I need something to be proud of and something to take my mind of things if my brother does end up in this war.

I need to do something productive everyday. I want to work on my story and workout as well as doing decorating things around the house. I will be productive and make things work for me. I need to better my life since I'm the only one in control of it. I will do it too.

Heat Wave

They say if you don't like the weather in New England wait 5 minutes. Unfortunately I've been waiting 3 days and the weather still hasn't changed. It's hot, humid and nasty out there. I could live with the heat if it was dry and not frizz inducing weather. The humidity is the worst and even when the skies get gray it still stays just as hot. It literally went from 65 one day to 85 the next which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't the first 85 degree day of the year. We went from sleeping under a sheet and a blanket with just a small fan to barely covering ourselves with a sheet and the AC on 70. UGH! I hate it.

Yesterday was my brother's welcome home party. It was a lot of fun. I got to see everyone and make awkward small talk. Jessica popped up so that was a lot of fun and I got to catch up with her. Isabelle and Little Jay were so cute together, they kept holding hands and were playing football all afternoon. The best part is we had steamers and my Mom's famous clam dip. I helped Mom with a few things and spent a lot of time cuddling her new kittens which are so adorable. Their names are Tom Brady and Teddy Bruschi after the football players. She mostly calls them Tom and Ted instead of the much cuter Brady and Bruscshi but her cousin Tommy just passed away so I'm sure it's to remember him by a little bit. They are yellow kittens and Tommy is short haired and Teddy is long haired. Teddy was miserable yesterday. Simon has been miserable in the heat too but he's not smart enough to stay in the air conditioned room with me. Hopefully once we get the TV in here we'll be spending more time in here and can keep him in here. I'm enjoying it so much that I'm going to retire with a magazine for the night.

Am I the Failure Child?

Does every family have to have a good child and a bad child? I'm one of two children, I have a younger brother. My brother just graduated from Marine bootcamp and while I'm proud of him for making it through, I feel like I'm a failure because he accomplished this and I haven't done anything to match it. If I had gone to college straight out of high school and gone every year I would have graduated a year ago. I could be working in my career by now if I'd just perservered and gone to school like a good little girl. It's not to say that I don't have a lot to be proud of but I have nothing that makes my parents proud like my brother does. I've always felt this way. I played sports in middle school and my parents would attend when they could. My brother wrestled in high school and they didn't miss a meet because my Dad wrestled in high school. So what if I wasn't the best at sports, didn't I still deserve to be supported? My brother had behavioral problems in school and he was always rewarded when he behaved, while I was always good and never rewarded. I love my brother and I'm so proud of him for getting his life together but I can't help feeling jealous of all the praise he's been getting lately. I'm tired of people thinking that just because I'm the good kid I don't want praise for doing good things, and I don't want it to be expected of me. Sometimes I really feel like I should just do some really questionable things so that when I do something good I'll be rewarded for it.

A workout and a wedding

First of all today I learned that my Dad and his girlfriend are getting married on July 4th. Paula is great and I'm really happy for the two of them. Matt and I will be two of the only people there. I'm not sure how my Mom feels about it or my brother for that matter. I guess I will find out on Friday when we go with Mom to pick Jason up at the airport in Portland.

Second of all I wanted to write to remind myself how I love the feeling after I workout. I just got done doing a 55 minute cardio workout. I did it while watching the show The Moment of Truth, which is so fun to watch when I actually find it while channel surfing. Very good show. I feel so energized and happier after my workout. I also plan to take a walk with Matt later tonight for a little more of a workout and to stretch myself out a bit. Yesterday we went of a hike in the woods. The hike itself was really rewarding because we came across lilacs in the woods and picked some to bring home. The smell of those really make me feel good and wake up with a smile on my face(they are above my bed.)